Let's Talk... if you can?

For me, one of the most frustrating things about IIH is the way that it affects my ability to socialize. I can't say I was ever a social butterfly before I had IIH but I did enjoy time with friends and small talk with acquaintances. Now I often feel as though I don't make any sense when I'm talking to people.

 I can hold my own just fine online or in text messages. There I have the ability to think before I answer and even edit myself before I post. But, if you put me in front of people and expect me to participate in a real life conversation you're asking for trouble. Of course, this varies based on how much pressure is in my head at any given moment. But I struggle with conversation even on the most average day.

First of all, the pressure seems to cause a general brain sluggishness. It can take awhile for me to process things, especially the spoken word. I'm like the person who laughs last at every joke. It's not because I don't get the joke it's because it can take my brain so much longer to process and understand even basic language.

Here's an example: Parlor City is a an ice cream parlor near our house that also offers burgers and tenderloins. Sometimes we eat there when other plans fall through because it's close and cheap. One day my husband said "Hey, do you think we could get lunch at Parlor City?" My brain went completely blank. I had no idea what he was talking about. I stared at him for some time before he said "if you don't want to go you can just say no." I shook my head and answered "I didn't say no I just don't have any idea what Parlor City is." He had to explain it to me before it clicked. Ohhh... the place on the corner with the ice cream and burger. Oh yeah.

I also have trouble speaking. I have started stuttering, I trip over words and even use the wrong words. If I had spoken that last sentence it probably would have sounded more like,

"I have... started straightening, I t-t-t-trip over words and even use the wrong words."

On Mother's Day I was having a conversation with some of my family. What we were talking about doesn't matter. I was trying to share my opinion and I wanted to use the word "sympathy" but I said "symphony" instead. I hurried to correct myself and loudly said "sympany!" I paused. Is that even a word? After that I was confused and couldn't remember what I was trying to say. My mom looked at me and gave me an encouraging nod before she said "sympathy". I was embarrassed but the conversation continued as if nothing had happened. I think my dad agreed with what I was saying but I'm not sure. I didn't try to speak anymore after that, it was just too hard to follow the conversation.

I fear I am developing a social anxiety because I fear messing up so much. I appreciate the friends who don't care if I say "cameo" instead of "candid" or wait patiently while I stammer over the word tantrum. Unfortunately, this is just the way I am now. I hope it isn't forever.